-
The Tattoo I Would Choose
If I had to get a tattoo right now, I would choose a rainbow butterfly. The butterfly may be one of the most familiar symbols of transformation, but that does not make it any less meaningful to me. A butterfly does not simply change its appearance. It enters a hidden place, surrenders the form it…
-
You Finally Became Yourself
If my future self could send me one sentence, I hope it would say: “You finally became yourself, and it was worth everything it took to get there.” I could ask my future self whether I became successful. I could ask whether my books were published, whether SŌL became everything I dreamed it might become,…
-
The Cost of Being Myself
I used to worry constantly about what would happen if people ever saw the whole of me. For much of my life, I believed love depended upon my ability to remain recognizable to others. I could be loved as long as I stayed within the boundaries people had drawn around me—as long as I played…
-
Does Everything Happen for a Reason?
People ask the question as if they’re offering a warm blanket. “Do you think everything happens for a reason?” I understand why they ask it. We all want the universe to make sense. We want pain to fit neatly into a story whose ending redeems every ugly chapter. We want to believe that if we…
-
Why
A common question asked of many subjects. Today I’m busy asking myself – why? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel depressed? Where did this “woe is me” come from? Why can’t I have that, do that, feel that? Why did I do the things I did when I was young? Why do…
-
A Promise Kept
People often ask what promise I’ve made to myself that I’ve actually kept. It isn’t one of the usual promises. It wasn’t to lose weight, save more money, exercise every day, or finally organize the garage. I’ve made all of those promises at one time or another, and like most people, I’ve kept some better…
-
Inventory
The Adam’s apple in old photographs,a hard comma in the throat’s soft sentence. Shoulders built for a doorwayyou never meant to walk through. The particular wrongness of a swimsuit,size medium, women’s,purchased with shaking handsand worn like a confession. A binder’s compression at 6 a.m.,ribs remembering all daywhat they were flattened for. The five-o’clock shadowrising like…
-
If I Could Erase One Trend from History
There are plenty of trends I wouldn’t mind seeing disappear from history. Bell-bottoms. Avocado-colored appliances. Eight-track tapes that always seemed to eat themselves at the worst possible moment. Those make for fun conversations. But if I’m honest, there is only one trend I would truly erase. I would erase humanity’s habit of deciding that some…
-
The Sequel I Wish Existed: Kitchen Confidential, Twenty Years Later
I can confidently say that I would love to read a sequel to the Bible. The writing prompt was: “What book deserves a sequel?” I can’t use the word “deserve” when I talk about a sequel to the Bible. I would love to know what happens next, but I don’t deserve that kind of knowledge.…
-
When Reality Split
The moment that made me question reality was not dramatic in the way movies portray it. There was no car accident, no voice from heaven, no sudden explosion of light. It happened quietly, almost invisibly, while I was sitting in a room full of people who believed they knew me. Someone laughed at something I…
-
Strength is Not the Absence of Fear
Strength did not arrive in my life like a trumpet blast.It arrived quietly. Slowly. Almost invisibly at first. I think one of the moments that made me realize I was stronger than I thought was not when I stood in a pulpit preaching, or when I led churches through conflict, or even when I survived…
-
The Fear of Loneliness
There are many fears that shape a human life. Fear of failure. Fear of death. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing control. Yet beneath nearly all of them, I believe there is a deeper fear quietly waiting underneath the surface: the fear of being alone. Not simply physically alone. Many people sit in crowded rooms…
-
My Future Self
There was a time when the future felt like something I had to earn. As if one more year of doing the right things, saying the right things, being the right version of myself would finally grant me permission to arrive. I lived as though truth were a destination out ahead of me, somewhere just…
-
Adapted to COVID
I did not adapt all at once. I adapted slowly, pastorally, and often while grieving. When the COVID-19 pandemic began, it did not arrive as a single disruption. It came as a series of losses. Sanctuaries went quiet. Hospital rooms became inaccessible. Funerals were reduced to a handful of masked faces standing far apart, trying…
-
Authentically Unique
What makes a person unique is not found in a single trait, talent, or story, but in the deeply personal way all of those elements come together over time. Uniqueness is not something we achieve as much as it is something we uncover. It is shaped by experience, refined by struggle, and revealed most clearly…
-
The Grief of an Imagined Future
No one tells you that coming out can feel like a funeral.Not because you regret the truth, but because the future you once pictured quietly in your heart has suddenly disappeared—an entire imagined life you carried for years, maybe decades, fading away before your eyes. For so long, I lived inside a daydream stitched together…
-
When Coming Out Hurts More Than Hiding
For decades, the story around coming out has focused on liberation, freedom, and the happiness of living authentically. Pride campaigns display smiling faces, supportive families, and rainbow flags flying proudly. “It Gets Better” became a rallying cry, a promise to those still hiding that stepping into the light would bring relief and joy. But what…
-
To the One I Am Learning to Love
I used to think love was something waiting for me in another’s hands,a gift wrapped in someone else’s approval,a tender look across a crowded room,a whisper at midnight telling me I was enough.I thought love would arrive dressed in someone else’s voice,carrying me away from my own silence.But here I am,after all the years of…
-
To The Companion I Never Chose
You have been my most faithful companion.Not the one I prayed for.Not the one I wanted.But the one who keeps showing up anyway,uninvited,unapologetic,unyielding. You are with me when the room is full.When the laughter rises.When glasses are lifted, and plates are passed,and conversations hum like fluorescent lights buzzing overhead.You arrive then, when I am surrounded.You…
-
A Fleeting Moment of Hope
In the depths of the closet, the constant thought of suicide was a shadow that never quite left, a whisper that echoed through the darkest corners of my mind. For me, this thought was a relentless companion, a seductive escape from the pain and fear that came with living a life that felt like a…
-
To the Day I Stopped Pretending I Was Okay
I remember you.Not the exact date on a calendar, but the feeling—like something inside me gave way.Like the scaffolding I had built to hold everything togetherjust… buckled. I had been holding so much for so long.The grief.The fear.The shame.The exhaustion of smiling through pain,of showing up for others while disappearing inside myself. I wore “okay”…
-
To A Life Built on Expectations
Before I ever spoke my truth, I memorized theirs. I was born into a world that handed me a script before I could read. The lines were already underlined, the stage already set:Be strong.Be successful.Be normal.Be straight.Be a man. And I—ever the good student—did everything I could to meet them. There was no room for…
-
To the Camera That Helped Me See Beauty
You were just an object.Metal.Glass.Plastic.Buttons and dials.A tool made for capturing light. But to me,you became more than a tool.You became a companion.You became a teacher.You became a lifeline. I picked you up in a seasonwhen I was drowning.When the weight of my own thoughtspressed too heavy on my chest.When I could not find a…
-
To My Past Self, Who Thought This Would Never Happen
EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK:Love, Me: Letters I Wrote When I Wanted to Disappear Oh, sweetheart.You had no idea, did you? You believed if you just did everything right—if you stayed quiet, stayed useful, stayed small—you’d be safe.You thought faithfulness guaranteed protection.That God would step in.That love would win.That if you were good enough, obedient enough,…
-
What’s the Point?
Yes, what is the bloody point? It’s a question that has haunted me in both quiet moments and in the chaos of loss, transition, and despair. It’s the question that emerges when everything I’ve built begins to crumble, when the masks I’ve worn no longer fit, when the life I thought I had no longer…
-
“Whatever”
Coming out of the closet wasn’t a moment. It was a lifetime. A thousand nights staring at the ceiling. Years of smiles that didn’t reach the heart. A marriage built on hope that maybe the feeling would pass. Children who saw only pieces of a person—never the whole. The closet wasn’t just a place. It…
-
The Joy of Living
There is a particular kind of joy that cannot be faked, forced, or fabricated—the joy that comes from living authentically. It’s a joy that rises from the soul, not dependent on circumstances or applause, but on the quiet, powerful truth of being who I truly am. For years, I lived behind a mask, playing roles…
-
Approval, Identity, and Coming Home to Myself
There is a particular kind of grief that comes from betraying yourself every day and being rewarded for it. When the world celebrates your mask, you start to believe that the truth of who you are must be monstrous. So you keep hiding. You keep achieving. You keep smiling through the pain. And yet, with…
-
“Why Physical Transition?”
The question for me was startling because I had never been asked it in search of my answer. I have been asked in an open-ended way, with a “what are you thinking” mentality, which would require me to explain why I would diverge from my decades-long norm, but I would actually be interested in how…
-
Why?
I feel like I’ve lived my life in this exhausting, merciless cycle—closeted, then open, and now back in again. I stepped out; I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Life, I imagined, would be different. Finally, breathe free air, only now being shoved back into that stifling, airless place. I…
-
This Morning
This morning, I found myself tucked into a corner seat at a Starbucks, the hum of life unfolding all around me. There’s something about this ritual—the smell of roasted coffee beans mingling with the gentle clatter of ceramic mugs and the low murmur of conversation—that settles me into my skin. It’s not merely the coffee…
-
I Wasn’t Born Yesterday
“I didn’t just survive. I became. And I’m still becoming.” 🌿 I Wasn’t Born Yesterday I was born again… at fifty-eight. But the world only sees what’s new — the name, the hair, the linen clothes, the long-overdue freedom. What they don’t see — unless I tell them — is what it took to get…
-
The Joy of It All
For years, depression had been my shadow, an unwelcome companion that clung to me no matter where I went. It whispered doubts in my ear, drained the color from my world, and wrapped itself around my chest so tightly that breathing felt like a laborious task. I learned to carry it, to mask it with…
-
The Moment Everything Changed
It began with a phone call. Or perhaps an email. Honestly, I can’t even recall which, because the moment I saw the words—the confirmation, the dream, the prayer finally answered—everything else faded into the background. For a few seconds, I just stared. My mind struggled to catch up, to grasp what was right in front…
-
Milestones Shape My Perspective
There was a time when I believed life followed a straight path—a clear trajectory from childhood to adulthood, from uncertainty to understanding. However, as the years have unfolded, I’ve come to realize that life is not a linear journey but rather a tapestry woven with moments of change, challenge, and revelation. Each significant life event…
-
The Weight of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friendI’ve come to talk with you againBecause a vision softly creepingLeft its seeds while I was sleepingAnd the vision that was planted in my brainStill remainsWithin the sound of silence– Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel As I prepared dinner tonight, I listened to a special version of Simon and…
-
What Annoys Me the Most
I like to think of myself as a patient person, someone who sees the bigger picture and embraces grace in all things. But let’s be honest—there are some things that get under my skin, and sometimes, I just need to vent. If I had to pinpoint what I complain about the most, I’d say it…
-
My Journey from Codependency to Self-Rediscovery
My life has been a patchwork of transformations—some I chose, while others I barely survived. Growing up, I carried the invisible scars of childhood trauma, the kind that seeps into every corner of your being and whispers lies about your worth. My coping mechanism was codependency. I learned early on that if I could anticipate…
-
Life Influencers
Life is filled with experiences shaped by the people we encounter and the stories that resonate with us and our world. For decades, I lived as a closeted queer person, navigating a world that often felt inhospitable to authenticity. During those years, I found inspiration in performers who embodied courage and self-expression, often at significant…
-
Transgender Lives Matter
A Path Forward or Backward? In recent years, the visibility of transgender individuals has increased, thanks to the tireless efforts of activists, social movements, and media representation. Yet, despite this progress, transgender people around the world continue to face disproportionate levels of discrimination, violence, and marginalization. The question arises: What will the future of transgender…
G R A C H E K
Dee Grachek is an author and Presbyterian pastor whose work explores faith, authenticity, identity, and hope through fiction, memoir, and spiritual writing.
Drawing on a life of ministry and personal transformation, Dee writes emotionally honest stories that invite readers to discover grace, courage, belonging, and the enduring power of unconditional love.
Dee is passionate about helping others find the courage to live authentically and discover a God whose love is wider than our fears, with writing marked by emotional honesty, theological depth, and an abiding conviction that every person’s story matters.