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I Never Stopped Being a Student
If there is one thing I hope people remember about me, it won’t be that I was a pastor. It won’t be that I wrote books or preached sermons or chaired committees or led churches through difficult seasons. I hope they remember that I never stopped learning. That may sound like an odd thing to…
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The Hard Years
I used to think the hardest years of my life were behind me. They were the years of hiding. The years of trying to become the person everyone else needed me to be. The years spent earning love, proving my worth, and convincing myself that if I could just be enough, I would finally belong.…
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A Queer Man Invented the Future
The most underrated person in history may be Alan Turing. Most people use computers every single day without realizing that much of the modern digital world exists because of his ideas. Long before laptops, smartphones, or artificial intelligence, Turing imagined a machine capable of processing instructions and solving problems through logic alone. His concept of…
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Democracy is Fragile
I vote because I believe silence is also a decision. For much of my life, I have watched people treat voting as if it were optional, as though democracy is a machine that somehow continues functioning without the participation of ordinary people. But I have lived long enough to know that every right people take…
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Not Doing It
What’s the most fun way to exercise? I’ve heard people answer that question with a kind of breathless enthusiasm that makes me feel like I missed a memo somewhere. They talk about early morning runs as if the sunrise personally applauds them. They describe spin classes like they’re spiritual awakenings with better lighting. They use…
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It’s The Least I Can Do
“It’s the least I can do.” We say it as if it is humility. As if it is virtue. As if it reflects some quiet, noble restraint. But beneath the surface, that phrase often reveals something far less admirable. It exposes a mindset that has quietly taken root in our culture, a mindset that calculates…
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To the Jesus I Thought I Knew
Jesus, I have known You for a long time. Or at least, I thought I did. I learned Your name early. Learned how to speak it with reverence, how to pray it at the end of sentences, how to carry it into rooms like something sacred and certain. I learned the stories. I learned the…
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The Weight of a Small Glass Vial
My brother handed it to me as if he were giving me something simple, ordinary. A small glass vial, light enough to rest comfortably in my hand. It wasn’t bigger than the bottles that once held perfume or medicine, the kind you might forget in a drawer. Inside it was my mother. Or rather, what…
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Breathing Without Bracing
What would it be like to live in a world without having to worry about rules, to live with a strong moral compass, but never live by the rule that says I have to pay for my past mistakes? To never have to worry about the rules of how people treat you versus how you…
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Christmas Eve Sermon — Isaiah 9:2–7 Light in the Darkness “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.”Isaiah never says the people escaped the darkness. He never says they found a way around it. He never suggests they managed to manufacture enough of their own light to keep the night at bay. What he says is…
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The Grief of an Imagined Future
No one tells you that coming out can feel like a funeral.Not because you regret the truth, but because the future you once pictured quietly in your heart has suddenly disappeared—an entire imagined life you carried for years, maybe decades, fading away before your eyes. For so long, I lived inside a daydream stitched together…
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When Coming Out Hurts More Than Hiding
For decades, the story around coming out has focused on liberation, freedom, and the happiness of living authentically. Pride campaigns display smiling faces, supportive families, and rainbow flags flying proudly. “It Gets Better” became a rallying cry, a promise to those still hiding that stepping into the light would bring relief and joy. But what…
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A Fleeting Moment of Hope
In the depths of the closet, the constant thought of suicide was a shadow that never quite left, a whisper that echoed through the darkest corners of my mind. For me, this thought was a relentless companion, a seductive escape from the pain and fear that came with living a life that felt like a…
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To My Past Self, Who Thought This Would Never Happen
EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK:Love, Me: Letters I Wrote When I Wanted to Disappear Oh, sweetheart.You had no idea, did you? You believed if you just did everything right—if you stayed quiet, stayed useful, stayed small—you’d be safe.You thought faithfulness guaranteed protection.That God would step in.That love would win.That if you were good enough, obedient enough,…
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What’s the Point?
Yes, what is the bloody point? It’s a question that has haunted me in both quiet moments and in the chaos of loss, transition, and despair. It’s the question that emerges when everything I’ve built begins to crumble, when the masks I’ve worn no longer fit, when the life I thought I had no longer…
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“Whatever”
Coming out of the closet wasn’t a moment. It was a lifetime. A thousand nights staring at the ceiling. Years of smiles that didn’t reach the heart. A marriage built on hope that maybe the feeling would pass. Children who saw only pieces of a person—never the whole. The closet wasn’t just a place. It…
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The Crown
How Will My Brothers and Sister Compete Once Our Mother Dies and There Is No More Favoritism to Be Gained? Our mother’s love has always felt like a battlefield. Not the warm, unconditional kind, but one measured out in doses—earned through obedience and withheld when we dissent. Each of us, her children, has learned to…
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The Joy of Living
There is a particular kind of joy that cannot be faked, forced, or fabricated—the joy that comes from living authentically. It’s a joy that rises from the soul, not dependent on circumstances or applause, but on the quiet, powerful truth of being who I truly am. For years, I lived behind a mask, playing roles…
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To Leave a Legacy
Legacy is not about monuments or money. It is not merely etched in buildings bearing our names or in bank accounts left to heirs. Legacy is the invisible, enduring imprint we leave on the hearts of others, the values we embody, the love we share, and the courage we demonstrate in our brief time on…
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Approval, Identity, and Coming Home to Myself
There is a particular kind of grief that comes from betraying yourself every day and being rewarded for it. When the world celebrates your mask, you start to believe that the truth of who you are must be monstrous. So you keep hiding. You keep achieving. You keep smiling through the pain. And yet, with…
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When the Words Won’t Come
When crisis strikes a family, like the sudden and life-altering moment when my mother had a stroke, the assumption is that it will bring people closer. The idea is almost romantic: siblings rushing to each other’s sides, comforting one another, rallying around the parent who once raised them. But in my experience, that’s not what…
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“Why Physical Transition?”
The question for me was startling because I had never been asked it in search of my answer. I have been asked in an open-ended way, with a “what are you thinking” mentality, which would require me to explain why I would diverge from my decades-long norm, but I would actually be interested in how…
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What Gives Me Direction
For a long time, I lived my life by other people’s maps—carefully drawn lines of who I was supposed to be. I followed them dutifully, out of love, out of fear, out of habit. I was good at it. I knew how to show up, how to serve, how to be the version of myself…
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Why?
I feel like I’ve lived my life in this exhausting, merciless cycle—closeted, then open, and now back in again. I stepped out; I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Life, I imagined, would be different. Finally, breathe free air, only now being shoved back into that stifling, airless place. I…
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This Morning
This morning, I found myself tucked into a corner seat at a Starbucks, the hum of life unfolding all around me. There’s something about this ritual—the smell of roasted coffee beans mingling with the gentle clatter of ceramic mugs and the low murmur of conversation—that settles me into my skin. It’s not merely the coffee…
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The Silence of Saturday
Saturday was the hardest day. Friday had been horrifying, yes—violent, chaotic, final. They had watched their teacher, their friend, the one they believed was the Messiah, be mocked, tortured, and nailed to a cross. They had heard him cry out, “It is finished.” And with those words, everything they thought they knew crumbled. But Saturday?…
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“I Remember When…” — A Reflection from the Sanctuary
I remember when every pew knew the weight of a worshiper.When laughter from children echoed against my rafters, and the harmonies of hymns swelled so boldly they pressed against my stained glass windows like sunlight. Now, the echoes linger longer. I’m just the sanctuary, the old heart of this church. But I’ve seen it all—weddings…
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I Wasn’t Born Yesterday
“I didn’t just survive. I became. And I’m still becoming.” 🌿 I Wasn’t Born Yesterday I was born again… at fifty-eight. But the world only sees what’s new — the name, the hair, the linen clothes, the long-overdue freedom. What they don’t see — unless I tell them — is what it took to get…
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Five-Year-Old’s Dream
When I was five, I didn’t want to be a firefighter, an astronaut, or even a superhero. I wanted to be a garbageman. Not because I had some deep understanding of sanitation logistics or civic responsibility, but because garbagemen got to ride on the back of the truck. To my young eyes, that wasn’t a…
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At Sixty-Two
It’s a story of two truths, lived side by side but never touching until the day they must. When a husband of forty years, a father of three, comes out of the closet at sixty-two, it doesn’t just rearrange his life—it sends tremors through the lives of those who thought they knew him best. For…
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Dismissed
When Identity Is Dismissed as Pretending Few things cut as deeply as being told that your authentic self is not real—that who you are is a lie, an act, or a phase. For many transgender and non-binary individuals, this is not merely a passing insult; it is a rejection that wounds the soul. When someone…
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I Wanna Be Me
The Cost of Being Me For much of my life, I have struggled to build something meaningful—relationships, a career, a reputation, a community. I have dedicated decades to crafting a life that reflects my values, passions, and faith. Yet, as I continue my transition, I find myself grappling with an impossible calculation: the cost of…
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My Ideal Day
My ideal day begins just before sunrise when the world is still quiet, and the air feels fresh with possibility. I wake up naturally, without an alarm blaring—just the soft glow of dawn filtering through my curtains. I stretch, feeling every muscle awaken, then take a moment to breathe deeply, slowly, and gratefully. Slipping into…
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Milestones Shape My Perspective
There was a time when I believed life followed a straight path—a clear trajectory from childhood to adulthood, from uncertainty to understanding. However, as the years have unfolded, I’ve come to realize that life is not a linear journey but rather a tapestry woven with moments of change, challenge, and revelation. Each significant life event…
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Fear in the Land of the Free
As a transgender individual living under President Donald Trump’s administration in 2025, I find myself engulfed in a profound sense of anxiety and uncertainty. The recent executive orders and policy shifts have not only threatened my rights but have also cast a shadow over my daily existence. One of the most alarming developments is the…
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Reading an Authentic Tale
As someone who has walked with the Lord for three decades, navigated profound personal transitions, and treasures music as a form of emotional expression, I am drawn to stories that explore identity, transformation, and resilience. Recently, I found myself captivated by the prospect of reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, a book that feels tailor-made for someone like…
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Five Things That Bring Joy
When life gets busy and full of responsibilities, it’s easy to overlook the importance of making time for fun. However, over the years, I’ve learned that taking time for the activities I enjoy not only brings me joy but also recharges my energy for everything else. Therefore, I’m sharing five activities that I love to…
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My Name Means…
My name is Ava. It’s a small word, yet it carries a world of meaning. Names have always held power, shaping identities and bridging the gap between who we are and how others perceive us. For me, Ava is more than just a name; it is a declaration of authenticity, a symbol of transformation, and…
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The Power of Connection
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been drawn to the power of connection—whether through words, relationships, or faith. My journey has been a tapestry of experiences that has helped me understand who I am and what I want to offer the world. I’ve walked this path with the Lord for 30 years, and…
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Un-Inventing Shame
If I, Ava, could un-invent something, it would undoubtedly be shame. For decades, I lived in a world crafted by its heavy, suffocating hands, a world where I felt compelled to hide my true self in the shadows of fear and misunderstanding. Shame became an unwelcome companion, whispering lies about who I was and convincing…
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University for Ava
Attending the University of Nebraska as a CIS-gender male while internally navigating the realities of being a transgender woman likely brought Ava both moments of joy and significant challenges. College is often a pivotal time for self-discovery, growth, and identity exploration; for Ava, these experiences may have been uniquely layered. In the predominantly conservative Midwest,…
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Playtime: Courage, Curiosity, and the Joy of Being Me
Ava sat at her desk, gazing at the open calendar on her computer. Between her pastoral responsibilities and the whirlwind of planning meetings for the church’s new senior living facility, she rarely made time for herself. Tonight, however, was different. She’d circled the date weeks ago, committing to an evening that wasn’t about serving others…
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Embracing Authenticity: A Journey to Confidence
Ava stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the pearl necklace she’d chosen for the evening. The reflection staring back was still new to her, an unfolding chapter of her journey post-transition. Tonight marked her first gala since publicly embracing her authentic self, and while she was confident in her choice of a sleek emerald…
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A Realization of Authenticity
The hardest decision I’ve ever made was coming out to my wife as transgender after decades of marriage. For years, I wrestled with the tension between the person I was on the outside and the truth I carried within. It was a profoundly personal journey shaped by faith, love, and the profound desire to be…
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Awakening —A Short Story
Ava sat on the edge of her bed, the morning light filtering through the pale curtains of her small apartment. Her hands clutched a steaming cup of coffee, the warmth grounding her in a moment she hadn’t always been able to find. Today felt different. It wasn’t just the first day of spring—the first day…
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Transgender Lives Matter
A Path Forward or Backward? In recent years, the visibility of transgender individuals has increased, thanks to the tireless efforts of activists, social movements, and media representation. Yet, despite this progress, transgender people around the world continue to face disproportionate levels of discrimination, violence, and marginalization. The question arises: What will the future of transgender…
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Navigating Constant Change
Do you remember going to the park as a child and sitting on the merry-go-round with your older brother or friends, pushing it, lying down, and holding on dearly, hoping that at some point, the spinning round and round in constant rotation would end? As a child, I loved playing on the merry-go-round, but as…
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The Journey of Self-Love and Acceptance
I’m at a point in my life where I realize that for me to continue in my transition could introduce me to some significant loss. If I lost everything around me, would that be the end of me? Would it be the beginning of me? How could I possibly know the difference? I feel as…
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The Art of Connection
In the ever-evolving world, the art of forging genuine connections remains timeless. Whether it’s with colleagues, clients, or partners, establishing a genuine rapport paves the way for collaborative success.
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Beyond the Obstacle
Challenges in business are a given, but it’s our response to them that defines our trajectory. Looking beyond the immediate obstacle, there lies a realm of opportunity and learning.
G R A C H E K
Dee Grachek is an author and Presbyterian pastor whose work explores faith, authenticity, identity, and hope through fiction, memoir, and spiritual writing.
Drawing on a life of ministry and personal transformation, Dee writes emotionally honest stories that invite readers to discover grace, courage, belonging, and the enduring power of unconditional love.
Dee is passionate about helping others find the courage to live authentically and discover a God whose love is wider than our fears, with writing marked by emotional honesty, theological depth, and an abiding conviction that every person’s story matters.