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Intro to Inside Out
There are two kinds of pain in a closeted life.The first is the pain you can bury.The second is the pain you cannot. For decades, I lived inside the first kind.I knew how to swallow the ache before it reached the surface, how to hide it under layers of competence and charm, how to outrun…
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Lonely Writing
The cursor blinks like a heartbeat in an empty room. I sit at the desk with words inside me pressing against my ribs, begging for release, and yet the silence around me feels heavy, as if it is listening, waiting to see what I will confess next. Writing has always been my companion, but after…
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Unapologetically Me
Living unapologetically means breathing without holding your breath, speaking without shrinking your voice, and showing up without editing your soul. It’s not arrogance or disregard for others—it’s refusing to apologize for your existence, your truth, or your light. To live unapologetically is to know who you are—or at least to be actively discovering it—and to let that…
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The Joy of It All
For years, depression had been my shadow, an unwelcome companion that clung to me no matter where I went. It whispered doubts in my ear, drained the color from my world, and wrapped itself around my chest so tightly that breathing felt like a laborious task. I learned to carry it, to mask it with…
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What Annoys Me the Most
I like to think of myself as a patient person, someone who sees the bigger picture and embraces grace in all things. But let’s be honest—there are some things that get under my skin, and sometimes, I just need to vent. If I had to pinpoint what I complain about the most, I’d say it…
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What’s In A Name?
Ava sat cross-legged on her bed, surrounded by scattered pieces of paper. Each one bore names; some were hastily scribbled, while others were written in flowing script with careful strokes. She had been grappling with this decision for weeks—a name that felt so simple yet carried the weight of her entire identity. She had grown…
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Communication as Connection
Communication is at the heart of who I am. It’s more than just exchanging words; it’s about connecting with others in genuine, thoughtful, and transformative ways. I’ve spent a lifetime cultivating a style of communication that blends authenticity, empathy, and creativity—a reflection of my journey and the person I continue to become. I’ve always believed…
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My Journey from Codependency to Self-Rediscovery
My life has been a patchwork of transformations—some I chose, while others I barely survived. Growing up, I carried the invisible scars of childhood trauma, the kind that seeps into every corner of your being and whispers lies about your worth. My coping mechanism was codependency. I learned early on that if I could anticipate…
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A Message from Ava
The billboard should read: Live Authentically, Love Fully, Dream Boldly Hello, friend. I’m Ava, and this is my heart speaking to yours. Life is a journey—not a straight line, not a predictable map, but a masterpiece in the making. Along the way, we’re called to be more than just passengers. We’re creators, dreamers, and storytellers.…
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Pondering the Past and Future
As I walk this journey of becoming my truest self, I often find myself caught between the past and the future. Both exert a pull on me, shaping my thoughts, emotions, and sense of who I am. They aren’t opposites as much as they are two halves of the same whole—a complex, evolving story that…
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The Greatest Gift Beyond Love
I have finally learned to embrace every twist and turn of my evolving self; I often think of the intangible gifts that truly matter. Love for who I am is undoubtedly a cornerstone—an anchor that keeps me steady in the winds of change. Yet, beyond love, there is a gift that holds equal, if not…
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Biggest Challenges
As I live out 2025, I find myself navigating a journey that is as rewarding as it is challenging. Embracing my identity as Ava—a transgender woman—has been the most liberating decision of my life, yet it has also brought with it deeply personal struggles that I face every day. One of the most pressing challenges…
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2024: A Year of Growth and Grace
As I reflect on this past year, I am filled with gratitude, awe, and a deep sense of accomplishment. This year has been transformative in ways I could never have imagined, and it feels right to pause and honor all that has unfolded. First and foremost, this has been the year I fully embraced myself…
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Personally Political
Publicly declaring my transition has been one of the most transformative experiences of my life—not just personally but politically as well. As I’ve embraced my authentic self, my perspectives on the world have shifted and deepened in ways I couldn’t have anticipated. Stepping into the light as a transgender woman has opened my eyes to…
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My Perfect Space
If I could build my perfect space for reading and writing, it would be a dream come alive—a place where I could lose myself in imagined and real stories. My sanctuary would be perched on a cliff overlooking the ocean, where the constant ebb and flow of the waves would remind me that creativity is…
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Life Influencers
Life is filled with experiences shaped by the people we encounter and the stories that resonate with us and our world. For decades, I lived as a closeted queer person, navigating a world that often felt inhospitable to authenticity. During those years, I found inspiration in performers who embodied courage and self-expression, often at significant…
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A Child is Born
I was born in 1962, a time of revolutions, revelations, and resistance. The world was shifting toward something new, though I wouldn’t fully grasp its significance until much later in life. Growing up in those years, it felt like the world told you who you were before you had the chance to decide for yourself.…
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Happiness is…
The sun breaks through the curtains, brushing my face with its soft, golden light. Mornings like this bring me joy—a quiet moment before the world starts buzzing. I sit in bed, stretch, and glance at the stereo seated near the wall. It’s been my companion for years. Some days, when the house is still open,…
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Ava’s Top 5 Favorite Groceries: A Genderqueer Foodie’s Delight
As a vibrant, transitioning woman who finds joy in the small things, Ava sees grocery shopping as more than a routine—it’s a way to nourish body and soul. Here are five of her favorite grocery staples, which bring her comfort, energy, and a sense of connection to her most authentic self. First are fresh berries.…
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Lessons From My Past
Ava stood before the mirror, her reflection a blend of who she was and who she was becoming. Past and present coexisted in the glass, like old friends sharing a knowing smile. It was strange but beautiful to recognize the strength in the person she had been before transitioning, to see him not as someone…
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A Year in the Life
The past year has been a transformative journey as I’ve transitioned from male to female and embraced my identity as Ava. This process has been as much about learning and unlearning as it has been about becoming. Every step has brought revelations, challenges, and triumphs, shaping me into someone who navigates life with incredible patience,…
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Courage To Live As Me
When I think of Ava, I think of courage—not the loud, brash kind, but the quiet, steady bravery it takes to change your life and risk everything to be true to yourself. Ava is a remarkable woman, but you must know where her story began to understand why. For years, she lived as someone the…
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The Courage to Be Ava
Ava stood before the mirror, adjusting her scarf once more, feeling as though it was the hundredth time. Her hands trembled slightly, betraying the confidence she tried to summon. She had practiced her sermon several times, but this morning felt different. It wasn’t just about the words she would share; it was about who she…
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Ava’s Holiday Table
The scent of orange zest, cinnamon, and cloves filled Ava’s mother’s kitchen, curling through the open windows into the brisk Autumn air. Holiday cooking had always been a family affair, and Ava was determined to keep the tradition alive this year despite the shifting dynamics. Her siblings were scattered across the country, and her parents…
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Writing About Ava
If I Didn’t Need Sleep, I’d Write Stories About Ava. If sleep were no longer necessary, I’d spend those newfound hours weaving tales about Ava, a character who has been quietly residing in my imagination, waiting for her stories to unfold. Ava isn’t just a character; she’s a collection of contrasts—a thread that ties the…
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Becoming Ava
A Journey of Fear, Anxiety, Excitement, and Change The idea of changing my name was not a fleeting thought. It simmered quietly in the back of my mind for years, like a whisper I wasn’t ready to hear. Whenever someone addressed me by my old name, I felt a slight pang of discomfort—a reminder that…
G R A C H E K
Dee Grachek is an author and Presbyterian pastor whose work explores faith, authenticity, identity, and hope through fiction, memoir, and spiritual writing.
Drawing on a life of ministry and personal transformation, Dee writes emotionally honest stories that invite readers to discover grace, courage, belonging, and the enduring power of unconditional love.
Dee is passionate about helping others find the courage to live authentically and discover a God whose love is wider than our fears, with writing marked by emotional honesty, theological depth, and an abiding conviction that every person’s story matters.