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The Tattoo I Would Choose
If I had to get a tattoo right now, I would choose a rainbow butterfly. The butterfly may be one of the most familiar symbols of transformation, but that does not make it any less meaningful to me. A butterfly does not simply change its appearance. It enters a hidden place, surrenders the form it…
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You Finally Became Yourself
If my future self could send me one sentence, I hope it would say: “You finally became yourself, and it was worth everything it took to get there.” I could ask my future self whether I became successful. I could ask whether my books were published, whether SŌL became everything I dreamed it might become,…
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The Cost of Being Myself
I used to worry constantly about what would happen if people ever saw the whole of me. For much of my life, I believed love depended upon my ability to remain recognizable to others. I could be loved as long as I stayed within the boundaries people had drawn around me—as long as I played…
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Why
A common question asked of many subjects. Today I’m busy asking myself – why? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel depressed? Where did this “woe is me” come from? Why can’t I have that, do that, feel that? Why did I do the things I did when I was young? Why do…
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A Promise Kept
People often ask what promise I’ve made to myself that I’ve actually kept. It isn’t one of the usual promises. It wasn’t to lose weight, save more money, exercise every day, or finally organize the garage. I’ve made all of those promises at one time or another, and like most people, I’ve kept some better…
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Inventory
The Adam’s apple in old photographs,a hard comma in the throat’s soft sentence. Shoulders built for a doorwayyou never meant to walk through. The particular wrongness of a swimsuit,size medium, women’s,purchased with shaking handsand worn like a confession. A binder’s compression at 6 a.m.,ribs remembering all daywhat they were flattened for. The five-o’clock shadowrising like…
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If I Could Erase One Trend from History
There are plenty of trends I wouldn’t mind seeing disappear from history. Bell-bottoms. Avocado-colored appliances. Eight-track tapes that always seemed to eat themselves at the worst possible moment. Those make for fun conversations. But if I’m honest, there is only one trend I would truly erase. I would erase humanity’s habit of deciding that some…
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Survival Kits Are Not Future Plans
If I could tell my 20-year-old self one thing, it would be this: You are not who they think you are. I don’t mean that cruelly. The people around you love you as best they can. Your family sees a young man with a future. Your friends see someone intelligent and driven. The world sees…
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When Reality Split
The moment that made me question reality was not dramatic in the way movies portray it. There was no car accident, no voice from heaven, no sudden explosion of light. It happened quietly, almost invisibly, while I was sitting in a room full of people who believed they knew me. Someone laughed at something I…
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Strength is Not the Absence of Fear
Strength did not arrive in my life like a trumpet blast.It arrived quietly. Slowly. Almost invisibly at first. I think one of the moments that made me realize I was stronger than I thought was not when I stood in a pulpit preaching, or when I led churches through conflict, or even when I survived…
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The Gospel is Not Fragile
The question of whether the gospel includes the LGBTQ community is not, at its core, a question about sexuality. It is a question about the nature of God, the scope of grace, and the meaning of the good news itself. If the gospel is truly good news, it must be good news for all people,…
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The Grief of an Imagined Future
No one tells you that coming out can feel like a funeral.Not because you regret the truth, but because the future you once pictured quietly in your heart has suddenly disappeared—an entire imagined life you carried for years, maybe decades, fading away before your eyes. For so long, I lived inside a daydream stitched together…
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A Fleeting Moment of Hope
In the depths of the closet, the constant thought of suicide was a shadow that never quite left, a whisper that echoed through the darkest corners of my mind. For me, this thought was a relentless companion, a seductive escape from the pain and fear that came with living a life that felt like a…
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To the Day I Stopped Pretending I Was Okay
I remember you.Not the exact date on a calendar, but the feeling—like something inside me gave way.Like the scaffolding I had built to hold everything togetherjust… buckled. I had been holding so much for so long.The grief.The fear.The shame.The exhaustion of smiling through pain,of showing up for others while disappearing inside myself. I wore “okay”…
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To A Life Built on Expectations
Before I ever spoke my truth, I memorized theirs. I was born into a world that handed me a script before I could read. The lines were already underlined, the stage already set:Be strong.Be successful.Be normal.Be straight.Be a man. And I—ever the good student—did everything I could to meet them. There was no room for…
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To My Past Self, Who Thought This Would Never Happen
EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK:Love, Me: Letters I Wrote When I Wanted to Disappear Oh, sweetheart.You had no idea, did you? You believed if you just did everything right—if you stayed quiet, stayed useful, stayed small—you’d be safe.You thought faithfulness guaranteed protection.That God would step in.That love would win.That if you were good enough, obedient enough,…
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Why?
I feel like I’ve lived my life in this exhausting, merciless cycle—closeted, then open, and now back in again. I stepped out; I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Life, I imagined, would be different. Finally, breathe free air, only now being shoved back into that stifling, airless place. I…
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Dismissed
When Identity Is Dismissed as Pretending Few things cut as deeply as being told that your authentic self is not real—that who you are is a lie, an act, or a phase. For many transgender and non-binary individuals, this is not merely a passing insult; it is a rejection that wounds the soul. When someone…
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The Greatest Innovation of My Lifetime
If you had asked me years ago what the greatest invention of my lifetime would be, I might have listed a series of remarkable technologies—AI, medical advancements, or even the rise of renewable energy. But as I stand here now, reflecting on the world I’ve watched transform, I realize that the most revolutionary invention isn’t…
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I Wanna Be Me
The Cost of Being Me For much of my life, I have struggled to build something meaningful—relationships, a career, a reputation, a community. I have dedicated decades to crafting a life that reflects my values, passions, and faith. Yet, as I continue my transition, I find myself grappling with an impossible calculation: the cost of…
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The Truth About Transgender People
In today’s political climate, transgender people are facing renewed fear and uncertainty. The current administration, particularly the president, has actively devalued transgender lives through harmful policies, restrictive laws, and dehumanizing rhetoric. Rather than ensuring equal protection under the law, the government has targeted transgender individuals by rolling back rights, banning healthcare access, and limiting our…
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The Weight of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friendI’ve come to talk with you againBecause a vision softly creepingLeft its seeds while I was sleepingAnd the vision that was planted in my brainStill remainsWithin the sound of silence– Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel As I prepared dinner tonight, I listened to a special version of Simon and…
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If I Won the Lottery
If I won the lottery, the possibilities would seem endless. I’d start by indulging in one of my greatest passions: photography. I imagine strolling into a high-end camera shop, knowing I could choose whatever I desired. Canon’s latest state-of-the-art cameras, with their sleek designs and impeccable functionality, would be mine to explore. I’d build a…
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Fear in the Land of the Free
As a transgender individual living under President Donald Trump’s administration in 2025, I find myself engulfed in a profound sense of anxiety and uncertainty. The recent executive orders and policy shifts have not only threatened my rights but have also cast a shadow over my daily existence. One of the most alarming developments is the…
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Communication as Connection
Communication is at the heart of who I am. It’s more than just exchanging words; it’s about connecting with others in genuine, thoughtful, and transformative ways. I’ve spent a lifetime cultivating a style of communication that blends authenticity, empathy, and creativity—a reflection of my journey and the person I continue to become. I’ve always believed…
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My Journey from Codependency to Self-Rediscovery
My life has been a patchwork of transformations—some I chose, while others I barely survived. Growing up, I carried the invisible scars of childhood trauma, the kind that seeps into every corner of your being and whispers lies about your worth. My coping mechanism was codependency. I learned early on that if I could anticipate…
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The Greatest Gift Beyond Love
I have finally learned to embrace every twist and turn of my evolving self; I often think of the intangible gifts that truly matter. Love for who I am is undoubtedly a cornerstone—an anchor that keeps me steady in the winds of change. Yet, beyond love, there is a gift that holds equal, if not…
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University for Ava
Attending the University of Nebraska as a CIS-gender male while internally navigating the realities of being a transgender woman likely brought Ava both moments of joy and significant challenges. College is often a pivotal time for self-discovery, growth, and identity exploration; for Ava, these experiences may have been uniquely layered. In the predominantly conservative Midwest,…
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Playtime: Courage, Curiosity, and the Joy of Being Me
Ava sat at her desk, gazing at the open calendar on her computer. Between her pastoral responsibilities and the whirlwind of planning meetings for the church’s new senior living facility, she rarely made time for herself. Tonight, however, was different. She’d circled the date weeks ago, committing to an evening that wasn’t about serving others…
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Biggest Challenges
As I live out 2025, I find myself navigating a journey that is as rewarding as it is challenging. Embracing my identity as Ava—a transgender woman—has been the most liberating decision of my life, yet it has also brought with it deeply personal struggles that I face every day. One of the most pressing challenges…
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Life Influencers
Life is filled with experiences shaped by the people we encounter and the stories that resonate with us and our world. For decades, I lived as a closeted queer person, navigating a world that often felt inhospitable to authenticity. During those years, I found inspiration in performers who embodied courage and self-expression, often at significant…
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Becoming Ava
A Journey of Fear, Anxiety, Excitement, and Change The idea of changing my name was not a fleeting thought. It simmered quietly in the back of my mind for years, like a whisper I wasn’t ready to hear. Whenever someone addressed me by my old name, I felt a slight pang of discomfort—a reminder that…
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Transgender Lives Matter
A Path Forward or Backward? In recent years, the visibility of transgender individuals has increased, thanks to the tireless efforts of activists, social movements, and media representation. Yet, despite this progress, transgender people around the world continue to face disproportionate levels of discrimination, violence, and marginalization. The question arises: What will the future of transgender…
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The Journey of Self-Love and Acceptance
I’m at a point in my life where I realize that for me to continue in my transition could introduce me to some significant loss. If I lost everything around me, would that be the end of me? Would it be the beginning of me? How could I possibly know the difference? I feel as…
G R A C H E K
Dee Grachek is an author and Presbyterian pastor whose work explores faith, authenticity, identity, and hope through fiction, memoir, and spiritual writing.
Drawing on a life of ministry and personal transformation, Dee writes emotionally honest stories that invite readers to discover grace, courage, belonging, and the enduring power of unconditional love.
Dee is passionate about helping others find the courage to live authentically and discover a God whose love is wider than our fears, with writing marked by emotional honesty, theological depth, and an abiding conviction that every person’s story matters.